SUBTITLE: BRAS, PIZZA AND CO.

What does buying a bra have to do with pizza, you may ask. After the following ordeal, I needed some sustenance, i.e., food. I always need food when I am stressed, happy, sad, up, down…..so basically always. And so it was the pizza place in St. Gaudens that was to fulfill my ravenous appetite. If you happen to go there for lunch, try to sit on the left side upon entering – the lady that serves the right hand side hasn’t as yet heard that smiling does not cause an immediate and painful death…..

I have never actually had anybody help me find a bra before and it did prove quite a daunting experience. While being fondled by strange women may be normal to some, I still find it a little, how should I say it, intimidating. Added to which, every once in a while, the curtain gets ripped open regardless of one’s state of undress. There one is aided/confronted by Madame “I-will-push-and-press-your-breasts-into-that-bra-without-your-help-understood”.

This strange woman was also quite young and started bringing me hideous Granny bras to try on. Some of them were more fortified than Buckingham Palace and by far less attractive. I need Easy Access bras (I am, after all, married to a man) not Fort Knox bras. As far as style goes, I want a bra that says Love Magnet not Death in the Bedroom.

Having mentioned to said young thing about wanting Easy Access not Fort Knox bras, and Love Magnet not Death in the Bedroom styles in my best Governess tone, she abruptly undid the moat door and whipped off Death in the Bedroom, and thereby put my back out for a week. Let me explain.

Generally upon opening said bra hooks, I carefully practice a reverse version of a fishing practice called catch and release, so release and catch. With her unexpected release action, both breasts shot east, west and (very far) south before I could catch them. Fortunately they are not as big as my friend’s (who might remain unnamed) as I would have damaged both knees and put my back out.

It’s not that I’m unhappy with my assets. Quite the contrary, they are the best thing about being fat. I (and various friends) am very fond of them. And I treat them with kindness and not as prisoners that need locking up.

After my style comments, Madame “unaware-of-release-and-catch-method” brought me some bras so flimsy, I could hear my breasts planning The Great Escape before I even had it on. So back to square one.

After trying on more bras than I actually knew existed, I grabbed one that wasn’t quite Easy Access or a Love Magnet, but would hold back The Girls without looking like Death in the Bedroom. Madame “thank-goodness-that’s-over” and I were both relieved that this ordeal had passed by without injury (not counting my back, of course) and she escorted me to Madame “Atilla” and she told me the price. That’s when my back went out again as I crashed to the floor in shock at the price.

“You can buy a small car for that in some countries,” I wanted to scream. But Madame’s “hand-me-the-cash-or-I-will-kill-you” look, stopped me. So I called the bank to extend my mortgage, paid her and hobbled out of the store. My purse was certainly lighter so I didn’t have to worry about the weight of that for my back.

At the pizza place, they make a Smoked Salmon pizza to die for. Now this may seem a strange combination to some, but give it a try – it’s delicious. This is my version of their pizza. I made it last night so that I would have a photograph for you, but I made a “faux pas” so this photo does not do justice to this great pizza. I forgot that French “instant” yeast is not instant, but needs to be mixed with the lukewarm water first, before adding it to the flour. Duh. It still tasted good, but the crust was very thin…

PIZZA DOUGH 101 and
SMOKED SALMON PIZZA and
SALAMI OLIVE ARTICHOKE PIZZA
(Makes 2 pizzas)

BASIC PIZZA DOUGH:
400g / 750ml / 3 cups flour
5ml / 1 tsp salt
2,5ml / ½ tsp sugar
10g pkt instant yeast (see note)
30ml / 2 tbsp olive oil
250ml lukewarm water

TOPPING:
140g / 5oz tin of tomato paste
1 – 2 tsp oregano (or pizza spice if available)
1 – 3 cloves garlic, crushed (or 1 tsp garlic powder)

200g / 7oz pkt smoked salmon (for one pizza)
200g / 7oz grated cheese (Emmental, Swiss) (per pizza)

SALAMI OLIVE ARTICHOKE PIZZA
100-200g / 4-8oz sliced salami or ham
10-20 olives
1 jar artichoke hearts
1 onion, sliced

1. Preheat oven to 200C / 400F. DOUGH: Mix all the dry ingredients together and then add the oil and the water and knead until the dough is smooth and elastic. Cover and let rise for 30 minutes or until about doubled in size.

2. Knead again and divide in two. Roll each piece out on a floured surface to a 32cm circle and place on a greased tray.

3. TOPPING: Mix the tomato paste, oregano and garlic and spread on the 2 bases. Spread the salmon on one of the pizzas and sprinkle with the cheese. For the second pizza, top with as much or as little of the other toppings as desired.

4. Bake pizza for 15-20 minutes.

NOTE: Should you be using yeast from a tin or a packet that is not in grams, please read the label and use the amount for 500g / 16oz of flour. Also, check whether your yeast requires you to add it to the lukewarm water before you add it to the flour or if you can add it directly to the flour and then add the water.